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" Pig in Pool"

Spring 1972

By Phillip Blackmon 2009

And so the News Reporter duly reported. Now, before we get into this let me say something to you PETA types. We meant no harm to the pig! As the article says, we gently dropped it over the fence on to the soft and supple concrete below. How the pig made its way into the water is anybody’s guess. We only wanted Henry Branham to find a pig wandering around in there just like at the school some weeks earlier when a similar crowd put a pig and a turkey in the courtyard. Shirley Branan said that when she walked in the front door that morning the pig's nose was against the window and one of the custodians was chasing the turkey around the yard, visions of dinner dancing in his head. But, they also found benches thrown in the pool the next day. So, we suspect someone else noticed the pig and couldn’t help themselves.

So, you’re wondering how seven southern, bored, white youths could do such a thing? While we’ve never been able to explain it, we now can. Small headedness or, more scientifically put, under developed frontal lobe. After years of research and millions of dollars, researchers have finally come up with a physiological explanation for immaturity. Since our frontal lobes don’t fully develop until we’re 25, our executive function meaning, the ability to look beyond one’s thoughts to evaluate potential consequences in a real time mode, are limited. The result? We did stupid things. As I sit here writing this, what I want to know is how this problem manifests itself in women. Sexual promiscuity? Not when I was a teenager. So, someone help me.

Perp: Yessir. Research proves beyond a reasonable doubt that I cannot be held responsible for my actions until I’m 25. My frontal lobe is simply not capable of processing all of the necessary information quickly enough to allow me to properly evaluate the consequences of my actions before my actions are completed.

California Judge: You poor soul. It must be incredibly difficult being under 25, having that small frontal lobe. We’re going to fine the farmer for not having a lighted sign on his gates warning you they were locked and to stop and allow sufficient time for your frontal lobes to finish processing your desires before entering his premises and committing an unlawful act. And, here is a certificate issued by the state for a free ice cream at Baskin Robbins.

So, you want to know who these seven white youths were? Okay. Me and perps 2-7. Perps 2 and 3 are deceased. And, even though I’m fairly confident they wouldn’t care, I won’t tarnish their memories worldwide by releasing their names to the internet. Perp 4 apparently has political aspirations. So, we’ll leave him out of it. Perp 5 probably wouldn’t care. But, again, I’d rather ask him first. While trying to find him and Googling his name I got something about a fluid obtained by the distillation of resin obtained from trees, mainly pine trees. You figure it out. Perps 6 and 7 are family. So, you know I wouldn’t even think of publishing their names. But, if you’re interested, just ask. It’s certainly not a secret.

Now, about what we did right that night. Yes. We did one thing right and it was pure chance. There was no forethought involved at all. We picked a good family friend as the victim. Don’t take this as advice and run with it, okay? It’s just the truth. The victim was not interested in pressing charges. So, we just paid our restitution, about 45.00 each, if I remember correctly.

Being a small tight knit community there were other non monetary debts to be paid. I remember being told to go over to the victim’s house, apologize for my actions, and ask forgiveness. Gulp! Do you ever wonder why previous generations seem to have more powerful consciences? A good conscience is developed through years of physical and emotional pain inflicted as a result of wrong doing. Think about that for a while. But, when I arrived at the victim’s house one perp had already come and gone and another perp was still in there. So, I patiently awaited my turn in the car. Gulp! Gulp! Gulp!

But, even after 45.00 in restitution and sincere apologies, I still wasn't done. Drive down North Alexander avenue and look for the white picket fence that goes from our kitchen window down to the house next door. Right there, to this very day, stands a monument to small headedness, all the evidence scientists needed. But, none of them ever bothered to drop by and examine it.